Some Of My Favorites

Management Learning: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

The Patch
Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba said, "Looky thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted!" "Don't worry Bubba, " Earl said. "we'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels, stick them on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', Okay?" says Earl. The boys finished their beers, stuck the labels on their foreheads, tossed the bottles under the seat and proceeded to the roadblock. "You boy's been drinkin?" asked the Sheriff. "No sir," Earl replied. "We're on the patch."

747 Full of Lawyers
Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Brass Rat Lawyer Joke
A man was shopping one day in an old antique store and saw this beautiful brass rat. He asked the store owner how much for the rat. He owner replied $20.00 for the rat and $20.00 for the story that goes with it. The man thought about it for a moment and said, well I don’t want a story I just want the brass rat. He gave the store owner $20 and off he goes with the rat. Part way down the block he notices that a couple of rats are following him, and he thinks that is kind of funny so he turns the corner and goes a little different direction, looks back and see a whole bunch more rats following him, so he gets a little nervous and makes a few different turns trying to loose the rats and looks back to see even more following him so he runs down to the river and throws the brass rat into the river and sure enough the rats goes right by him into the river and drown. He goes back to the store and the store owners says I will et you want the story now. He looks at him and says no I don’t, I was wondering if you had any brass lawyers.

Why do we always pick on lawyers, they are really nice guys, listen to this next story.

New Improved Lawnmowers
One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass". The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat." So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you." The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

The Taste of a New Generation.
What do Brittany Spears and PEPSI have in common? They both have plastic jugs.

Marketing
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say "Hi I am single, how about a date." that’s Direct Marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You ask a friend to go over to say "My friend over there is single, how about a date." that’s Advertising.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You get her phone number and call her up, chat a while and then say "I am single how about a date." That’s Tele-Marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go over to her and start talking, make her laugh, get to know each other for a while, then you say "I am single how about a date". That’s Relationship Selling.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. She come up to you and says "Hi I hear you are single, how about a date." That’s Branding

Store Owner & Competitors
A store owner was dismayed one day when a competitor selling the same product moved in right next door with a big sign on the front saying "best deals in town"

The next day another sales competitor moved in on the other side of him and put up a sign "lowest prices in town" - the store owner concerned that he would go out of business looked for a marketing strategy to his advantage. Then he came up with a bright idea, the next day he unveiled his new sign over his front door that said "main entrance"

Man having affair with Secretary
A man was having an affair with his secretary. One day their passions overcame them and they took off for her house and made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from this they fell asleep and awakened about 7pm.
As the man through on his clothes he asked the women to go take his shoes outside and rub them in the dirt and the grass, she thought it was strange but nonetheless complied. He slipped on his shoes and drove home. As he walked in the front door his wife stopped him and asked firmly "where have you been". The man replied, Darling I can not tell a lie. I have been having an affair with the secretary and we were making love all afternoon and then I fell asleep. 
She looked at his shoes and said you liar you have been playing golf all afternoon.

Weight Loss The Easy Way
A guy reads a newspaper ad that says "All the weight you can lose 1 dollar a pound". So he calls and asks if its true. "Sure the guy says. Just tell me the amount of weight you want to lose and your credit card number." Well the guy says 20 pounds. "No problem, our representative will be there in the morning." Sure enough at 8 a.m. the doorbell rings. When he opens the door there's a beautiful blonde standing there with nothing on but a sign that reads "IF YOU CAN CATCH ME, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME".

He does and sure enough when he weighs in he has lost 20 pounds. Excitedly he calls back the weight loss company. "This time I'd like to lose 50 pounds." The guy who answered the phone says "Fifty pounds is a lot of weight at one time - but our representative will be there in the morning."
Sure enough at 8 a.m. the doorbell rings. The man rushes to answer it. When he does it's a 500 pound male gorilla with a sign that reads "IF I CAN CATCH YOU, I'LL HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU".

Work vs. Prison
- In prison you spend the majority of the time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in an 6x8 cubicle.
- In prison you get 3 meals a day. At work you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. 
- In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
- At prison a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.
- In prison you get to watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
- In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
- In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
- In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
- In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out...At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
- In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work they are called Managers.

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Cinderella
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy God Mother".

The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again" At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful, and handsome young man". Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a Boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her Rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath,

"I bet you regret having me de-sexed now, don't you?"

Fairy Tales and Training
A Mom comes home from a hard day of training and gets the chance to read her little girl one of her favorite fairy tales. "Mommy," asked the child, "do ALL fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?"" "No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight . . . "

On Perspective
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in information technology" says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know." "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be a corporate manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

On Women and Men and Communications
A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he'd heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400. The wife pondered that a moment, then concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything

they say to their husbands." He looked up and asked, "Come again?"

Divorced Barbie
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized it was his daughters birthday and he had not got her anything yet. He turns around and drives into the mall and heads for the toy shop. He asked the shop assistant "how much for the Barbie in the window" the shop assistant says "which Barbie" - We have Barbie goes to the Gym, for $19.95 - Barbie goes night clubing, for $19.95 - Barbie goes to the Beach, for $19.95 - Barbie goes to the ball, for $19.95 - and Divorce Barbie for $265.00.

$265.00 - why is the Divorced Barbie cost $265.00 - well that should be obvious says the assistant. The Divorce Barbie comes with Kens, house, Kens car, Kens boat & Kens furniture.

Christian Joke - Jesus Saves 
Satin & Jesus were having an argument one day about who was a better programmer - God was asked to settle it. - He said to go ahead and create a program, gave them a time limit and away they went. Busy typeing on their computers writing code - they were almost finished when a storm burst out and a flash of lightning knocked out the power and the computers went down.

God comes back in the room and says "Okay" time is up you have 5 minutes to compile the program and then I will judge who is the best programmer. 5 minutes later he looks at Satin and says lets see what you have - Satin looks at God and says, It’s not finished, the storm came in and knocked out the power & I lost all my work - God looks at Jesus and what do you have - click, click, click Jesus completes his program and shows it to God - and God says very good it looks like you are the better programmer. Satin puzzled asked how can that be? God looks back at him and says - remember Satin "Jesus saves"

Gramps
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below your waist?" the man asked again.

The old man slowly looked at his grandson and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea!"

Perfect Couple
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman. Everyone knows there is no such thing as Santa Claus or a perfect man. (A Male's Response) So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.

This explains why there was a car accident.

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and on West to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female bear.

They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

The other ranger responded, "Of course: the Czech is in the male."

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Reverend," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Reverend Curtis, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the traditional or the contemporary service?"

For their first anniversary, a man buys his young wife a cellular phone. She is thrilled and listens eagerly as he explains all the features. The next day she's out shopping when the phone rings.

Hi honey, her husband says "How do you like your new phone". Oh I love it she gushes, its so cute and small - and your voice sounds so clear. But there is one thing I don't understand, "What's that? How did you know I was at Walmart.

Some paramedics were boasting about improvements in their ambulance team's response time. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system" one bragged, we have cut our response time by 10%. "Not bad", a second paramedic commented, by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average time 20%. "That's nothing, the third commented, since our driver passed the bar exam we've cut our response time in half.

There was a lady who was getting ready to divorce her husband. One day she was cleaning her house and began polishing a brass vase. As she was rubbing the vase a genie poped out. Poof - the genie says to her I will grant you three wishes of anything you would like. Be very careful about what you wish for for your husband is going to receive the same but 100 times greater. She thought about it for a moment and asked the genie "I would like to have 1 million dollars" The genie replied, before I grant you this wish understand that your husband will receive one hundred times that. That's fine she says. Poof it was done.

Then she asked the genie to be the most beautiful woman in the city, the genie reminded her that her husband would receive the same but 100 times greater. Okay she says - poof it was done.

And for your third wish? The lady thinks for a moment and says "I would like to have a really, really mild heart attack..

A teacher was giving a test to a couple of boys. One was very bright and one was not. She gave them the test of ten questions. She is looking at the 2 papers and to her surprise the little boy who was not very bright answered 9 of the ten questions perfect. She thought that can't be right so she looked at the other paper and saw that the other boy who was very bright answered 9 of the 10 questions perfect. She wondered what was wrong with this and sure enough the problem was with the 10th question. The little boy who was bright got to the 10th question and didn't know the answer, he was running out of time so he just wrote "I don't know the answer to this one" and turned his paper in. Teacher looked at the other paper and he answered the 10th question "I don't know either"

Their was a farmer that was recovering from open heart surgery. 
Early in the morning as the drugs were wearing off he was able to see a person in the room and called out to his wife "Marg" is that you. Yes dear she said, I’m here. You saw me through the surgery didn’t you. Yes dear.

- remember the time when I was plowing the field and the hill was to steep and the tractor rolled and broke my leg. You were there weren’t you, Yes dear, I was there.
- remember when I dropped the lantern in the barn and it burned down and I barely got out. You were there weren’t you, Yes dear, I was there.
- remember when I over fertilized the corn field and we had no money that season. You were there weren’t you, Yes dear, I was there.
- And now your here with my heart problem. 

Marg your bad luck.

There was these three little kids starting in a new school. The teacher asked these kids, who were about 8 or 9 years old to come up with a little rhyme and include their name so we could all get to know them. The next day these kids come in and the teachers asks them to share their little rhyme and then the school year would progress from there. So the first little boy stand up all embarrassed and says "Hi my name is Dan and when I get to be a man I would like to go to Japan and I think I can. Well that was kind of sweet so they gave him a round of applause and then the teachers asks the little girl to stand up and share her little story. She was a real cutie pie and a little shy so she stands up and says my name is Saddie and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby if I can and I think I can. Well that was kind of cute so they give Saddie a round of applause. Then the next little boy stands up and he didn’t have anything prepared (He had to think on his feet, kind of like table topics right) so he stands up and says my name is Stan and when I get to be a man I don’t want to be like Dan and go to Japan but I wouldn’t mind helping that little girl with her plan if I can and I think I can.

A little boy wanted $100 very badly; his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows;

Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those thieving bureaucrats deducted $95.

The joke of the Genie granting a man any wish.

One day a farmer was plowing his field when he heard a clunk from his machine. He looked back to see that the plow had turned up a beautiful brass vase. He picked up the vase and brushed of the dirt, when he brushed the vase a genie appeared and said to him "Oh master, thank you for finding me, I have been in here for centuries and because it is you I will grant you any one wish you desire".

Anything the farmer asked? Yes any wish you desire, but choose it carefully because you will only get the one.

The farmer sat down to think about what he would choose and then he said, "well I am a simple man and I am having some difficulty with my wife and need to get away for a while, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but I can not fly, could you build a road to Hawaii so I could drive their.

The Genie said, "Oh farmer, that would be far to difficult for the oceans are far to deep and the mighty waves are far to powerful to build any kind of structure, it really is impossible".

The farmer said I understand, well I really do love my wife but we are having some problems, could you help me understand women a bit?

The Genie looks at him and says, "How many lanes would you like to Hawaii"

Joke about the pope and limo driver:
The Pope was touring around Vancouver in his limousine last year. He had never driven the car before and really wanted to, so he asked the chauffeur to pull over so that he could drive. The chauffeur agreed. So here is the Pope cruising around the city, having a great old time. He starts driving faster and faster until he gets pulled over. The officer that pulls him over walks up to the car and looks in the window and to his amazement sees the Pope . He can't believe what he sees and radios in to the station and says to the clerk, "You won't believe who I just pulled over?

The clerk says, who Glen Clark? 
No, bigger then that!
The clerk says, Jean Chrechien?
No bigger?
The president of the US?
The officer says, I don't know who's in the back, but who ever he is, he has the Pope for a limousine driver. 
HA HA HA

Joke about the Lords Prayer and Wonder Bread:

The board of directors for Kentucky Fried chicken had got together to discuss the future of the franchise. They had realized that with the changes in eating habits that at the present rate they would be out of business within a couple of years. The board had decided that they needed to do something drastic so one of the members approached the Pope and asked him if he could change the Lords prayer:

(You know the prayer, Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us for our trespasses)

Change it from "Give us our daily bread to give us our daily chicken" We will give you 10 million dollars. 
With out a thought the Pope declared "wouldn't even consider it" 
The executive went back to the board and told them what the Pope had said, so the board said, "Go back to the Pope and offer him, 100 million with persuasion. So the executive went back to the Pope and said, "If you change the prayer from our daily bread to our daily chicken we will pay you 100 million dollars and began to pursuade him as to all the benefits.

The Pope replied " Not a chance, this is the bible, my friend, I won't do it!!!!

The executive brought that message back to the board and the board decide, people we have everything to loose, lets go all out and offer him 1 billion dollars.

Back to the Pope he goes with an offer even the Pope couldn't refuse. He greets the Pope and says " Pope if you change the prayer we are prepared to pay you 1 billion dollars" The Pope clarify 1 billion, Yes the man says, The Pope turns to his bishop and says "Check and see when the contract runs out with Wonder Bread"

A Christian was walking through the woods one afternoon when he heard this rustling in the woods, he was afraid to look but when he did he saw a big mean bear charging toward him. Well he freaked and went high tailing it down the path, the bear kept after him. He shortly ran out of path trapped by the edge of a cliff, frightened he dropped to his knee's and prayed. Dear God make this bear into a Christian!!! Much to his surprised the bear slowed down to a stop, put his head down and said "Thank you for this food I am about to eat".

I over heard a man and his wife talking the other day. The man had said to his wife, how could God make a woman to be so beautiful and at the same time so stupid. Oh that's easy she said "He made me beautiful so that you would marry me" and "He made me stupid so that I would marry you"

There was this older woman looking kind of lost in a cemetery one day, the keeper noticed her looking around and asked if he could help. She said that she was looking for her husbands site? The keeper said "I know almost every plot in hear maybe I could help", she said I am looking for a Harry Webster. The keeper went off and searched through the records and came back to her and said "we don't have any one here by that name, in fact there is only one Webster and that is assigned to Dorothy Webster, Oh she said, that would be it, everything was in my name. HA HA

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun.

He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the 

Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.